


truffy

by Superfreaky



Category: D. Gray-man
Genre: AU, Angst, Hurt, M/M, laven
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-08
Updated: 2015-08-08
Packaged: 2018-04-13 13:28:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4523817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Superfreaky/pseuds/Superfreaky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(Heard it was Laven week so I re-uploaded this. AU, Angst, Mature.) Allen forgets, Lavi remembers. He tries to take care of his friend and lover but it gets harder each day.  The guilt weighs heavily on his shoulders as he waits for the day that Allen doesn't remember who he is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	truffy

(/-/)

It started with him just forgetting little things. Papers, bag, money, dates, assignments... these things were easily excusable and all was fine.

"Lavi! Lavi!" Allen called from upstairs. Lavi groaned from the couch where he had been reading and set his book to the side. He trudged up to the room Allen was in, opening the door nice and slow.

"Yes, Allen?" he asked with a soft voice. The boy was sitting on the bed, also reading a book. It was thin, the words inside large print. Allen pointed to something on the page and Lavi already knew what he was going to ask, but he went over and sat by the boy anyways.

"What does this word mean?" Allen asked, pointing to the word "completion". Lavi sighed, tired of explaining that one specific word.

"It means something like, finished, or done," he said, now giving out the watered down version. It wasn't like Allen would remember what he said anyways.

"Oh... I get it now. Thanks Lavi." Allen gave him a cute smile, one that was actually innocent, and leaned in to peck him on the cheek.

"No prob, lil' bro," Lavi replied, patting his soft white hair. He got up and walked out of the room, fully ready to go back up again in five minutes. It would have been smarter to stay up there with him and read, but he couldn't do that to himself.

"Love ya," he said before closing the door, like he did every time.

(/-/)

Once upon a time, Lavi had had hope. He thought it would all be okay, that it wouldn't last long.

He used to kiss Allen, the way he always would. At first Allen would respond, would kiss back, but there was less from him everyday.

"L-Lavi? What are you... doing?" his voice shook, and he seemed scared. Lavi kissed him anyways, licking along those soft lips and sliding his tongue past them. Allen squirmed a little, but it seemed normal.

It wasn't.

Allen pushed on Lavi's shoulders, scrambling backwards on the couch. His hand covered his mouth and he was trembling in fright. Lavi sat there, breathing hard and just looking into Allen's eyes. He didn't see what he was looking for.

"A-Allen... I... I'm sorry-"

But the boy had already run off before he could finish his apology. He was left alone on the couch, and that day he decided he would never kiss- no, never even  _touch_  Allen like that again.

(/-/)

Soon it was a problem and he forgot who he loved.

(/-/)

Allen was fidgeting in the passenger seat, rolling the window up and down.

"You're going to let a bug in," Lavi told him, making sure not to miss his exit, "I know how you hate those june bugs."

"Um... yeah. Hate them."

Lavi ran a hand through his hair and tried to remember which street the doctor's office was on. He hated being downtown, but he was getting used to it.

"They're the brown ones shaped like little pills, they like to cling to your finger," he reminded, knowing the other didn't remember.

"I knew which ones you were talking about! God, you don't have to tell me  _everything_!" Allen yelled. Lavi gripped the steering wheel tighter, swallowing the strike of pain he felt. Something like this would always happen when they had to go see the doctor. It would start from nothing, and it was always anger directed at Lavi. He felt he deserved it though.

"Sorry, Allen..." he apologized softly.

"No, you're not! You just say that to make me shut up!"

Lavi flinched at that, but he parked the car with ease in front of the looming building. He didn't tell Allen that he was  _always_  sorry, for everything he'd done.

(/-/)

Allen knew Lavi loved him. It was something he would never forget, the man said it just about every hour. Sometimes, he found it annoying and he wouldn't say anything back. He wasn't actually sure if he was telling the truth when he did respond, but it made him feel better to know someone in the world cared about him.

So he never stopped saying 'I love you', ...even if he didn't mean it.

(/-/)

Once he decided he wasn't going to love Allen physically, he thought it best that they didn't sleep in the same bed.

That night, Allen was wary of him, but he still acted as he usually did. He had hopped up into their bed when he was tired, and waited for Lavi to join him. He had almost fallen asleep by the time Lavi came in, but he pulled the covers down for the other to get in next to him.

When Lavi pulled the blankets back up over him and started to pet his hair he was confused. "Lavi...? Aren't you going to sleep?"

"Yeah, but I'm just gonna go to my room tonight," he said with a sad smile.

"But this is your room," he protested, sitting up to look at Lavi. He could tell this was serious.

"Not anymore, I've set up the other room for me."

Allen tilted his head, not understanding. "Why?"

Lavi hummed, his hand once more going to pet Allen's hair. "I can't sleep in here with you anymore. It isn't right."

The truth was that Lavi didn't want to have Allen waking up and freaking out when he saw Lavi so close. He knew a time like that would come, when he didn't remember why Lavi did the things he did, and he didn't want to be there for it.

Allen protested at first, for a few days, but then he forgot that he and Lavi used to share a bed.

(/-/)

Back before everything had happened, Lavi had been an actor. He had played a few side characters and guest starred on a few shows, but his big break came when he met a short old man with big black rings around his eyes. That man happened to be a director in a new summer movie coming out, and he felt Lavi was perfect for the  _lead_  role.

The movie was a big success, and Lavi was paid handsomely. At the time, Lavi was still young and he didn't exactly know what to do with it. So he put it in the bank when school started up again and didn't think twice about it until he graduated.

All that money paid for the house he and Allen lived in. It wasn't big, the only things upstairs were two bedrooms and a little bathroom, but Allen loved it. He stood outside looking at it when Lavi told him that  _it was their house now_ , and his eyes widened. He jumped at Lavi and wouldn't stop kissing him over and over again.

Lavi had eventually gotten them inside the actual house, telling Allen that they were still on the lawn and that the new neighbors were starting to stare. Allen had rushed around, eyeing every piece of furniture his boyfriend had picked out, sometimes fussing about Lavi's lack of taste.

It was perfect.

(/-/)

Lavi never thought Allen's new habit of watching the television was bad. In fact, the younger male seemed to love it, there was always something new to him on. Lavi had seen him sit and watch the same exact episode he saw about two days prior and look at it as if he had never seen anything like it in his life.

Monitoring the television didn't happen. He would let Allen watch whatever he wanted, it wasn't as if he were a little kid who didn't know anything. But one day it came up as a problem.

"Lavi, why don't you love me?" Allen asked him, and he seemed confused and upset at the same time.

"I do love you, Allen, why don't you think I do?" He put down the potato he was peeling to walk out of the open kitchen and into the living room.

"You... never kiss me anymore. Did I do something wrong?" Allen was starting to get nervous.

On the new show he was watching he saw the two main characters, Mark and Vanessa, kissing. It was like that one day Lavi had sat with him on the couch to read. Lavi had kissed him like Mark was kissing Vanessa. When he heard Mark whispering 'I love you' to Vanessa, he felt a sense of dread.

He knew that when he pushed Lavi away it hurt his feelings. He had gone back to see the other with his head in his hands and a tear rolling down his cheek, but he hadn't known that kissing meant 'I love you'. He just knew that it felt weird and he didn't like it. He had never gone to apologize -he didn't want to feel like it was his fault Lavi was tearing himself up- but he would always remember that look on the redhead's face. He always remembered when something upset Lavi,  _always_.

"I do kiss you, Allen..." Lavi said, raising an eyebrow. He leaned down and gave the younger a little peck on his forehead, "See?"

Allen bit his lip, not reassured. "No, you... you don't kiss me like that one day..."

Lavi internally groaned, of  _course_  Allen remembered that. That one freaking day.

"That's a different kind of love..." he explained, "I'm like your brother, Allen, and brothers don't kiss like that."

"So... you only love me sometimes? How is it different?" To Allen, there was only one kind of love, and he still had trouble understanding that sometimes.

Lavi sat next to him and he looked exhausted. He always looked like that now, but Allen didn't remember what he used to look like. He pictured it as something close to what he saw now, maybe Lavi was a calm and relaxed person. He didn't know how far off the mark he was, but it didn't matter anymore.

"I love you like a family member would. I don't kiss you like that because that's something lovers do, people who are in love with each other. You're not in love with me,"  _'but I'm still in love with you...'_

To Allen, none of it made sense. What difference did it make if you were in love or if you loved? He wanted Lavi to love him all the way, to care about him all the time. He was the only person to love him at all, for all he knew, and maybe it was selfish, but he wanted all the love he could get.

"If..." he paused for a second, thinking, "if you love me, then kiss me like you wanted to that one day."

Lavi's heart dropped. He didn't know how to help Allen understand that it wasn't right, that Allen didn't love him back the same way anymore. A part of him wanted to kiss the boy until his lips went numb, and the other part was screeching how wrong it would be to take advantage of the situation.

In the end he just apologized and left Allen to sit on the couch.

(/-/)

Lavi liked to say he lived life to the fullest. He did what he wanted to do, felt everything fully. There was no 'I like this' or 'this is okay', either he loved something or he hated it. When he smiled, it was a real smile. When he was sad, he didn't try and cover it up.

Needless to say, when he fell in love, he  _really_  fell in love.

It happened when a little freshman sat a table away from his at lunch. He was all alone, and Lavi openly examined him. He had white hair, smart silver eyes, and a crisp air about him. Instantly Lavi wanted to talk to him, and being himself, he went right over and sat down in front of the other boy.

"Heya," he greeted with a cheeky grin.

"Um... hello..." he replied after looking up to see who was talking to him. Lavi noticed there was a jagged scar down the boy's face and he looked at it for a moment to guess what caused it. After a while the boy cleared his throat to get Lavi to stop staring.

"Sorry, dude, but that looks pretty cool. Anyways, the name's Lavi."

"Allen," the boy said, putting down his home made sandwich, "and cool? It is most definitely not cool."

Lavi shook his head with a smile, "Whatever you say." There was an awkward silence between them.

After a while Allen spoke up, "So uh, do you need something?"

Lavi laughed and put his chin in his hands, "Nah, I just thought you looked interesting..."

"That's a good way to put it, but I really didn't chose to look like this..."

Lavi rolled his eye at the level of emo radiating off the other. "It's just looks, it's not life and death. And if I say you look cool, then I just think you look cool. No need to diss my opinion."

"I... I wasn't dissing your-"

"You sorta were, little dude," Lavi said with a smile. Honestly he was just teasing the kid a little, needed an excuse to talk to him.

"I'm not little." Firmly, he said that. And Lavi laughed a bit. Which made Allen pout.

From then on, it was easy going.

(/-/)

Today Lavi was walking with Allen to the park. They were holding hands as they made their way down the sidewalk, and some people smiled as they walked past. Others took it the wrong way and their noses crinkled. Lavi wished it was what they were thinking, he'd kill to have what they thought was disgusting or wrong. But he just smiled and tried to enjoy how Allen's hand felt in his.

"Look, Lavi, isn't that a cute dog?" Allen asked, pointing to a little puppy.

"Yeah, it is kinda cute, for such a scruffy thing..."

The blond-brown dog looked over at them, noticing the attention. It was skinny, its legs like sticks. It looked like a skeleton, and it was walking towards them with its nose in the air. It sniffed a little before walking up to Allen, who bent down to pet it. It licked his cheek, just once, like it was testing the waters.

Allen looked up at him and asked with eyes just like the puppy, "Lavi, can we feed him?"

Lavi wanted to say no, but he had enough of being the bad guy lately. "Sure, if he follows us home."

So, their mission to the park was abandoned, and they started back home. The dog walked behind them, its too long nails clicking on the rough pavement. The sun was pouring heat down onto the three, making the dog pant. It really wasn't healthy.

Allen jogged up to the door and unlocked it, dashing inside to get something for the starving animal. Lavi stayed outside with it, sitting on the porch and having a staring contest with its big black eyes. The dog lost, not knowing it was playing a game.

Allen came back out, a bowl of deli turkey in his hands. "Here you go, little guy..." He knelt down and the dog pretty much attacked the dead meat. It disappeared into its maw in seconds, and Lavi wondered for a moment if it would bite Allen on accident.

"Why don't you get some water for him? I bet he's thirsty too."

"Sure!" Allen hopped up again and went back into the house. Lavi was once again left with the dog, and it was a little weird how it was looking at him. Like he had done something wrong.

"Whatcha lookin at, pooch?" He asked it. He got a little growl as a reply. But the anger between them dissipated with Allen and his dish of water. He set it down and the dog wagged its long tail, lapping the water up with glee.

"Lavi... can... can we keep him? Just for a while?"

And there was the question he had been waiting for since Allen first saw the dog. He sighed, already knowing he would say yes. Stupid animal thing.

"Yeah, but not forever, okay? I bet he has a lady friend out there somewhere." Allen's face lit up and he hugged Lavi around the neck. Lavi couldn't help but smile, taking the rare chance to hug back.

"You're the best, Lavi! Thank you!" Allen exclaimed into the side of his face, probably bursting inside. Lavi figured it would be worth having to go to the vet if Allen got to have a little friend to play with.

Allen named the dog Truffy.

(/-/)

It was around October of his senior year that Lavi got the courage to tell Allen how he felt. Allen was a sophomore at the time.

It didn't exactly go well. In fact, it was a disaster.

It started when Lavi walked up to Allen to sit at the normal lunch table. He didn't have the outward appearance of being nervous, although inside he was trying to figure out what to say. It turns out that his mouth knew what to do more than he did.

"Allen, I think I really like you."

 _Great._  Lavi thought. The greatest confession ever.

"Um, thanks, I think," Allen said with a smile. Of course.

"No, you don't get it. I mean, really like you."

"Yeah, okay. I like you too?" Allen took a bite of his sandwich and chewed on it like it was a normal day and Lavi wasn't trying to confess his love for him.

"Allen." He put his hand on the boy's elbow to get him to look over. Their eyes locked. "I  _really_ like you," He said, making sure that the conversation with

their eyes would convey the message.

It took Allen a few seconds, but it clicked after a while. "Oh." He slowly swallowed his food. He looked away before looking back to Lavi. From the look he was getting he wanted to know if Allen liked him too.

"Um, I... I don't... I'm not..."

Gay. Right. Lavi didn't think he was either at first. He put a hand on Allen's shoulder to stop his stutter. Allen squirmed a little, and looked like he was guilty.

"It's okay, Allen. Don't feel bad or anythi-"

"Haha! Lookit that!"

Lavi turned to see who the hell interrupted him and saw someone he didn't even know. The boy had a smug and disgusted look on his face, like he was enjoying watching someone squish a snail.

"Red here's a little faggot! Aw, is this your boyfriend?"

Lavi just glared at him, very quickly getting pissed. "No, I'd bet you'd be jealous of him, though, if he was, the way you listen to everything I say..."

The stranger made a face. "Ew. Just because he rejected you doesn't mean you have to fantasize about me."

Lavi twitched, "Only in my worst nightmares. And hey, do us all a favor and get lost."

"Why? So you can rape me in a corner?" By now there were a few people looking over at the scene, and Lavi had a feeling they were about to get quite a show. And honestly, who just point blank mentions rape as if it's a joke?

"If you want me to do it so bad why don't you just admit it?" Lavi could feel it, now there was no turning back and getting the other kid to leave. In retrospect, he should have told Allen in a much more private place.

"I would, but the thought of you sucking on my cock makes me sick."

"Or horny," Lavi said like it was nothing.

The kid growled and started to walk over. Lavi stood up and made to move for him, but Allen stood too and grabbed his arm gently.

"You think you're so cool? You fucking  _aren't._  You one-eyed freak!"

Okay, really? Lavi had had enough of this poser. He jerked his arm out of Allen's hold and stalked over to the kid. Both of them knew there would be fists, and Lavi was ready to beat the shit out of him. But he didn't expect Allen to run up and get between them.

"Lavi, don't. It's-"

"Aw, look red, your little  _twink_ is here to protect you."

Lavi didn't like that. "Move, Allen."

He didn't have to tell Allen though, because the kid shoved him to the side and into a too-close table. Lavi felt a surge of anger, and he ran towards the kid.

He was expecting a punch or something, because when Lavi slammed both his fists into the kid's middle he went down and landed on his back.

A crowd had started now, and they were deafeningly loud. They screamed and hollered, all wanting to see a good fight.

The kid got up quick, and took a swing at Lavi. Lavi ducked down and attacked the kid's ribs with the heel of his palm, using enough force to crack a bone.

It didn't work that well because as the boy started to crumble he grabbed Lavi's head and pulled on it. It bent Lavi over, and suddenly there was a knee smashing into his eye.

They both fell together, landing almost on each other. The cheers and curses of the crowd were silent to Lavi, he just got to his feet as best he could so he could stomp the boy's lungs in. Right as his foot was over a good spot, Allen came over and grabbed his raised knee.

"Lavi, stop. Just leave him..." he begged as the boy curled up to hold his chest. Lavi sighed and stood on his own, choosing not to do it.

The teachers showed up and everyone scattered save for Lavi, Allen, and the boy on the floor. There was yelling, the principle, and Allen being extremely upset. Lavi droned through the whole thing, his eye slowly turning dark and swelling. After about thirty minutes of useless bickering, Lavi got to go to the nurse with Allen for some ice.

Allen ended up having to take Lavi home because he couldn't see.

(/-/)

"Lavi, I think Truffy's upset."

Lavi looked up from the newspaper at Allen, who looked ridiculous holding a medium sized dog in his arms. "Why do you say that?"

Allen set the dog right on the dining table and it just layed there, breathing slowly. It looked dead.

"Have you taken him for a walk?" Lavi asked, reaching to touch Truffy lightly. It didn't growl or bark at him like it normally did. Just sat there and wheezed.

"I tried, but he doesn't get up... what do we do?"

Lavi sighed at the look of hopelessness on Allen's face and got his keys. "Let's take him to the vet."

On the way there, Truffy stopped breathing. He never started again.

(/-/)

It was about the third week since the whole school found out that Lavi liked Allen, and he was miserable. He was covered in bruises and knots from people picking fights with him, and Allen was trying to stay as far away as possible. He felt like shit.

He leaned on the railing of the upstairs classes and looked down at the main hall. A few kids were walking around down there, but didn't see him. He was all alone, wishing he had kept his mouth shut so Allen wouldn't think it was weird to hang out with him.

He was too busy moping to notice the boy who gave him a black eye creep up behind him.

Suddenly there were hands on his shoulders, and he was violently shoved over the railing. He screamed, the ground coming up too fast. He landed on his right side, crushing his arm. His head smacked the floor next, and he didn't even have time to feel how his arm broke before he was out.

He woke up in a hospital room alone. He blinked a few times, feeling a little sluggish. His head hurt for sure, and he couldn't feel much else. He laid back and pressed the button for the nurse. She came in after a few minutes and told him that he had fallen.

Yeah, fallen.

She said he could leave, though. As long as someone came to pick him up. Naturally he thought to call Allen first, but decided that it would only make Allen feel worse about saying no to him. It really wasn't that big of a deal though.  _It really isn't,_ he thought as he felt a pain in his chest. He blamed it on the fall and dialed Kanda's number.

"Rabbit, what is it this time?" Kanda growled. Well, at least he picked up.

"I need a ride-"

"No. I'm not your personal taxi!"

"Wait, man, didn't even let me finish..." god, Kanda could be an ass sometimes.

"I don't have to! I know you're somewhere stupid for doing something... stupid."

"Yu! I'm at the hospital!" Lavi yelled into the old phone the nurse let him use.

"... the hospital?"

"Yeah, and they said I might have a concussion, so I need you to come get me.  _Please?_ "

"...What did you do?" It sounded like Kanda was waiting for Lavi to tell him he robbed a bank.

"I... I fell. Off that railing at school." There was no point in telling anyone he was pushed, it wasn't like he knew who did it. Rather, he couldn't prove it. So he just fell.

"Fuck, I'll be there in a while. Don't do anything stupid. ...And hey."

"What?" Lavi asked, not liking Kanda's tone.

"Be sure to tell the bean. He's been bothering me about where you are."

"I'll try." He was lying though. And Kanda could tell.

"Rabbit, I mean it. Just because he doesn't care about you in the way you want doesn't mean you can go mope. He does care, and you should tell him." Gah. Him and his counselling.

"Alright, freaking Dr. Phil. I'll tell him."

"Good, because he's right here."

"What? Wait, Yu! Don't-" there was the sound of Allen taking up the phone.

"Hello? Lavi? Are you okay? Kanda won't tell me anything!" Oh yes, Allen was panicking.

"Shh, calm down..." Allen's high volume hurt his throbbing head, "it was just a little accident."

" _Little?_ " Allen whisper-hissed. "How is going to the hospital a 'little accident'?"

"Because I  _accidentally_  took a  _little_  dive over the rail at school. I'm okay, really." It hurt. His body hurt, and he was not okay, and he wanted Allen to love him, but he didn't, and it sucked, and it sucked more that Allen was doing this to him, making him feel like there was something from him too, and the nurse

was standing there watching him, and he felt like he was going to  _lose_  it.

"Yeah, I'm fine," he said again.

"Alright, but I'm coming over there with Kanda."

"Okay, I'll be waitin' here. Don't ya worry too much 'bout me." His accent was starting to come through, and he wished Allen was here to tell him that it was okay, that someone didn't just try to kill him.

"I'll try," Allen said in all seriousness. It made Lavi's vision get a bit blurry.

He said goodbye and hung up, and the nurse came forward. "Sir, are the pain killers wearing off?"

Lavi shook his head no, but his vision was getting worse and worse. He clenched his left fist, the other situated in a cast. The nurse gave him more medication through the IV anyway, but it wasn't enough to stop the first tear.

It wasn't enough to numb his heart.

(/-/)

By now Allen had forgotten about Truffy. He had also forgotten how old he was.

"Lavi..." he called, crawling up the couch to the other. Lavi lifted an eyebrow, knowing that the way Allen's hips dipped side to side as he did so was innocent. Allen got up into his lap and rested his head against Lavi's chest. Lavi was sure he could hear how his heart was over-reacting, but he ignored it.

"What is it, Allen?" He asked softly.

"How old am I?"

To Lavi it sounded like Allen asked if it was sunny outside. His chest got tighter, and a feeling of dread was looming behind him.

"You're about 23..." he pretty much whispered to him. Allen smiled at that and nuzzled his neck. Lavi didn't want him there, sitting in his lap and acting like he was 12. He didn't want any of it, but he promised. He promised to take care of him. So he just wrapped his arms around Allen's waist and hid his face in the boy's hair.

Allen didn't know what he did this time, but he didn't want his Lavi to be upset. All he had were memories of his Lavi being sad or angry. And he knew it was his fault, it had to be. Why else would Lavi cry his name during the night with his one eye leaking tears?

He looked up at his Lavi and kissed him on the lips, like he knew he wanted. He hadn't expected to be pushed away though. It wasn't harsh, it was slow. Like someone who had completely given up.

"Lavi?" He didn't understand. Didn't his Lavi want this? Wasn't it a nice surprise for him?

The truth was that Lavi had been pushing away Allen's kisses for a week now, and he was used to it.

(/-/)

It had taken a long time for Lavi's arm to heal. He almost didn't want it to, it forced Allen to care about him for at least a little bit. It gave him time to pretend that Allen really was his and his alone.

But when it came off, Allen went back to trying to avoid him. He thought the boy would be over that by now, but apparently not.

The pale skin on his arm contrasted with the tan line around where the cast was. It served as a permanent reminder that Allen wanted to be away from him, didn't want to be near him.

He contemplated trying to break it again.

He shook his head, that wasn't the way to go and he knew it. But it didn't stop him from doing reckless things so that maybe, ...maybe Allen would try and stop him.

God, he needed to move the fuck on. Just why did it  _hurt_  so much? He knew it was unhealthy of him, and bad for Allen. He hoped time would fix it but until then he had to deal with it.

He needed to focus on what he was doing. Not on how he was freaking  _feeling_.

He picked up the oldest looking bungee cord and had the instructor hook it up to the harness he had on.

"Now, you remember how we told you to do it, right?" The man asked, making sure the rope was tight.

"Yeah, yeah, we ready?" Lavi half asked as he got up on the ledge of the bridge.

"Yep, do you want me to count down?"

Lavi shook his head, the wind tossing his hair around. The sky was a dismal gray, but it was still bright out, ambient light. He looked up at Kanda, some hair blowing out of his face. The video camera was on and he gave a smile to it. He didn't waste any time, just let himself fall back into nothing.

It was great, and for a second he imagined that the rope wasn't there.

(/-/)

Lavi was watching Allen very closely today. Those kisses of his had started to get bolder, sometimes with tongue or groping. And he had almost given in a few times, he had seriously thought about breaking his silent promise and taking some time to make Allen mewl his name. But he knew he would feel bad afterwards, no matter if Allen liked it or not.

So every time Allen tried to do something, he would have to run away or tell the other no. There was always a little look of hurt each time, and he guessed it was because Allen thought it meant he didn't love him. So occasionally he would try and do something nice, even though Allen would forget it. It still puzzled Lavi how there were some things that Allen could hold on to.

But at least it was something.

(/-/)

"Lavi! Will you stop and talk to me?" Allen begged him. Lavi groaned and stopped.

"Allen, what does it matter to you what I do? Why should  _you_  care?" He snapped with venom at the others face.

"You- you're such an  _asshole!_ You know what? Fine! I don't care! Go ahead and just... die."

They had both attacked, and now Allen had tears in his eyes. Real tears, ones that brought him to his knees out on a sidewalk in front of a stranger's house.

Lavi shuffled his feet, not wanting to apologize because he had been hurting so long because of Allen.

In the end he went over and knelt by the other, pulling him into a hug. Allen cried into his shoulder and he did his best to calm him.

"W-Why...? Why can't you... why do you..?"

Lavi shushed the boy's choked questions. This wasn't a conversation to have outside, with everyone watching like it was some soap-opera on tv. So he pulled Allen up on his back, letting the other bury his face in his neck and latch his arms around his shoulders.

He carried him to his own house and set him on the couch. He sat next to the boy and sighed, his fingers running through his hair- a habit he had gotten recently.

"Allen..." the other got quiet, looking up at him, "I...I know it's bad. I know I could die from all the reckless things I've been doing, but it seemed like the only way ta make ya see me. To make ya think of me, worry bout me."

"Idiot..." Allen murmured softly, "I... always think of you. Wonder how you are, or if you're feeling better yet. I thought it was my fault that you were doing stupid things, so I stayed away until I thought you were better..." He wiped his eyes here, "And you don't know how much I care."

"But not like... ..."

"I... I don't even know anymore. I just want you to be  _okay._  God, Kanda showed me that tape, of you jumping off the bridge, and I couldn't watch. The way you smiled like it was some kind of death mission, and then you just fell over the edge..."

Lavi sighed and scooted closer. Allen was getting confused about his emotions, stupid Kanda, showing him that. It must have meant the other man thought he needed to go to Allen for help. Help with Lavi.

"This has gotten so messed up," he said aloud. Allen sniffled and scooted closer. He looked up and met Lavi's gaze. The redhead felt a small trill run through his spine, the eyes he was staring into... those were what he had always wanted to see, dreamed of seeing. Determined, sharp, confident. And they were

looking at  _him_.

Allen slowly leaned up, and their lips touched.

(/-/)

No! He didn't like this! Why wasn't his Lavi here?  _Who_  was his Lavi? He didn't know, but he knew he wanted his Lavi badly. He needed him. Him, was it even a guy?

Allen cast his eyes about the house that he had been searching in for over and hour. The rooms in the house seemed endless, and it was like he made no progress at all. He was damn sure that he had gone through, one by one, but there was always a room he had missed. It shouldn't have been possible! The place wasn't even that big!

He looked down at his feet, noticed he had ten toes. He looked back up, and had a feeling that he had been doing something important. He also had a feeling of despair, but he didn't know why. He looked back down at his feet, and he had ten toes.

He looked up at the clock again and just stared at it. He had the feeling that he was keeping track of time for some reason, but didn't remember what time he started counting at.

No! No no no! He knew what he was doing, looking for that person he had made so upset. That person had red hair. And he lived here. Allen had a vague idea that the other person liked him. He couldn't recall a name though.

He looked down and saw his toes. They stuck out from under the hem of his pants leg, and there were ten total. Was that how many everyone had?

...

Was there anybody but him? Was he alone? He looked around. It seemed like it. Alone, no one else nearby. He didn't like that feeling. It was empty, made something in him hurt. He had a feeling he had just lost something very, very important.

No matter how long he stood in the kitchen and stared at his toes, the hurting didn't stop. It was terrible, and he wanted it to stop. He glanced at a knife that was laying out on a cutting board. Maybe he could stop  _himself_  with it.

He walked over and picked it up, it was a little heavy for a knife. Maybe, he wouldn't know. He touched the tip with his finger and it pricked him, making a little drop of blood swell. He never jerked his finger back though, just left it there. It would certainly stop him.

He sat on the cold tile floor and brought the knife up to his face, ready to slash it to bits. He caught his reflection though, and he stared dumbly for a bit.

Why was he holding a knife? Why was he hurting? Oh well, the knife could stop that. He took it down to his throat, the blade kissing the skin.

(/-/)

He and Allen were together now, a legitimate item. They just hadn't done it yet.

Which was changing just about...

"Oh,  _Lavi!_ You, c-can't... ooooh..."

Lavi smirked and ran his hands up and down Allen's legs as he took the boy's cock deeper into his mouth. Allen gripped the sheets of the bed and spread out wider. Lavi hummed in appreciation, but was pleased that it made Allen moan, low and deep.

"La... Lavi... m-more..." Allen jerked his hips up and his mouth formed a silent gasp. Lavi started to bob his head, and Allen looked down at him with pleased gray eyes.

He could see Lavi's lips around him, and that was  _his_  dick moving in and out of Lavi's mouth. The thought made him shudder and lift up into the other's mouth. Lavi let him, and soon he was just thrusting in and out with no restraint.

"God, Lavi... Lavi... I c-can't..." his words were choked off as his whole body tensed up and he came with a moan loud enough to wake the neighbors.

He looked down at the redhead, their eyes locking as Lavi swallowed his cum. He pulled back and let Allen go, standing on his knees and licking his lips as he reached down to tug on his own belt. He flipped it open and slid it out, undoing the pants next.

"Damn it, Allen... you make me so hard," Lavi pushed the pants down so Allen could see just how hard he was.

Allen's cock gave a little twitch, Lavi's leaking precum and impossibly thick. "It's not... g-going to fit..."

Lavi leaned down, pressing their hips together so the head of his member rubbed over Allen's balls. Allen gasped, a bit over sensitive.

"Well you could be on top if you want, I don't want to hurt ya," Lavi suggested softly.

Allen felt relief at that and nodded, glad Lavi was willing to swap. The redhead smiled and moved to grab some lube. Allen relaxed and let Lavi slowly work him back into a full erection. Allen took the lube from him and spread it over his right hand. He was still against touching anyone with the other, disgusting one.

He swallowed when Lavi grinned and moved to get hover over his lap. Allen felt his cheeks heat up when he came face to face with Lavi's hard on. He calmed himself and reached between Lavi's legs to slide a wet finger inside of him. He saw a shiver run through the other, his hips shifting a bit. Allen figured it wasn't comfortable, so he leaned forward to suck in the head of the cock in front of him.

It tasted a bit salty and he didn't really like it, but it made Lavi moan and relax. He suckled as he prepared Lavi, enjoying the hands that ran through his hair.

Lavi made him stop, so that they could get into position with Allen over him. Allen felt nervous as he lined himself up, he wasn't sure if he'd like it, and he  _wanted_  to like it. Lavi could tell, apparently, because he reached up and cupped Allen's cheek.

"We... don't have to do this at all if you're not ready..." he said softly with a small smile. But Allen could see that he was hurt by his hesitation.

He shook his head and leaned down to kiss Lavi's collar bone, slowly pushing in. It tingled all over his body, his skin, his fingers, his hips. Lavi had gasped quietly, his legs spreading to make room for Allen's hips. The sight of his friend like this, under him and moaning, drove a confident feeling in the white haired male. Lavi adjusted to him soon, and begged him to move. He did, just a little at first.

"Harder!  _F_ - _fuck_  me!" Lavi commanded him, legs wrapping around Allen's hips.

Allen obliged him, rocking his hips faster. They moved together, Lavi occasionally biting on Allen's shoulder and whispering dirty things to him. It wasn't long before they were both arching into each other and shaking with fits of pleasure.

Allen flopped onto Lavi, their breaths mingling together as they panted and came down from their high. When Allen caught his breath he turned his head to face Lavi, "...I love you."

Lavi's eye lit up, his mouth pulling into the realest smile that Allen had ever seen.

(/-/)

Lavi came home, the stupid flour he needed in his arms and all over his shirt. He put it next to his chopping board and was about to get back to cooking, but his knife was gone. He looked down on the floor to see if it had fallen, and his eye met red.

He followed the red trail to the couch, where his heart stopped. Allen was lying there, the knife on the floor and blood coming from all over his body. Lavi ran over and knelt down next to the couch, trying to see if he could stop the bleeding.

He couldn't find a main source, but there were cuts  _everywhere_. His legs, arms, stomach, face, ...neck. And they were all bleeding really bad.

"Just, just hang tight Allen! I'm going to call an ambulance!" It didn't register in his mind that Allen had done this to himself, and that maybe he didn't want to be saved. That he just wanted it to stop.

He ran to the phone and dialed the number.

"Hello? 9-1-1."

"Hurry! He's bleeding all over and he's pale and he's going to die!" Lavi said frantically.

"Calm down, sir. Explain the situation to me-" Lavi put down the phone, already knowing what he could do to help, and dashed back to Allen to put pressure on the largest wounds.

"W-Who... ...are y-you?" a hoarse voice wheezed out.

Lavi looked up and saw Allen's eyes open. "Shh... you're going to be okay..." he cooed, his heart breaking slowly. This was the day, the day he had always feared. The one where Allen wouldn't remember him, but he didn't think he would lose the boy altogether.

Allen closed his eyes again and let out a raspy sigh. The pain inside him was slowly easing, and he felt better now. He was slipping away.

Lavi took his hand, clasped it between both of his and squeezed tight, unable to do anything to help Allen.

"I-I love you... please don't... don't do this..." he begged, his voice cracking and his body shaking. Allen smiled, his eyes still closed. He opened his mouth to say something, but no words came.

"S-Shh... shh... I'm h-here..." Lavi said, the hand in his getting colder. He shut his eye so he didn't have to look at all the blood and open wounds. He heard the sound of the ambulance in the distance, but he knew they would be too late.

With everything he felt he leaned down and pressed his lips to Allen's. They parted a little in slow surprise, but Lavi just rested there. Much too quickly for him, those lips turned icy cold.

And Allen was dead.

(/-/)

_"Hey Lavi," Allen called to him._

_"Yeah?" Lavi asked, turning around just in time to get a kiss on the cheek._

_Allen laughed and Lavi smiled. "I'll never forget days like this..." Allen said, holding his hand and looking at him with those gray eyes of his._


End file.
